Sexual Identity - a new conversation
Sexual Identity - a new conversation
17 August 2016
One of my guilty pleasures is the television show Friends.
The reason this is a “guilty” pleasure is that its values base and morality are so different from that presented within the Christian Church. For example, in one episode, where two characters are discussing the relationship of a third, one comments, “Well it’s not serious. They aren’t even sleeping together yet.”
However, what most intrigues me is that while the morality of Friends is clearly at the other end of the spectrum from that of the Church, in terms of the messages I receive as a single adult about what it is to be human, I find that the fundamental assumptions in these two different contexts are very much the same. Rather than presenting a radically different understanding of humanity and sexuality, in my experience, the Church is as sexualised as the world of Friends. This is certainly a contentious claim.
Our focus on marriage, “sexual sin” and sexual orientation places sexuality at the centre of identity and undermines our mission and identity in Christ. I propose a new conversation that creates space for the sexually marginalised “other” in our communities, whether those of different sexual identities, the unpartnered or those within marriages that are unhealthy, abusive or simply unfulfilling.
In engaging in this new conversation, I believe we will better represent the Body of Christ and the purpose of the church within the world. church as a sexualised institution As a single woman, I have often been told, “You need a man”. Sometimes, this comes from someone who has experienced great happiness in marriage and wants me to share in that. This is a lovely thing.
Sometimes this comes from another’s perceptions of a lack in me that a man would complete – finding my “other half” – assuming that as a single adult I must be lonely, feel bad about myself or be otherwise unfulfilled. This is not a lovely thing.
Sometimes this comes from my own perceptions: that if I had a man I wouldn’t be lonely or scared, or that I would be financially secure or able to open this jar of jam!
From whichever source, this is a disturbing perspective, because it places my sense of identity, fulfilment and wholeness as a human being in the hands of another person. Unfortunately, this is reinforced in a number of ways within the Church.
One of the key ways this view is reinforced is through a focus on marriage and (nuclear) family as a marker of identity. While in the secular world, connections tend to be more about work, ideology, hobbies and the like (“What do you do?”), introducing yourself in a Christian context generally includes the question: “Do you have a family?”. Rites of passage (engagement, wedding, babies) and celebrations (Mother’s and Father’s day, wedding anniversaries) are generally connected with marriage and, by implication, sexuality.
Yet for many people, buying a home, travelling overseas, engaging in volunteer work or completing formal study is also significant. Achievements outside of marriage and family are not often brought into the Church context. Associated with this focus on marriage and family is a normalising of heterosexual marriage as the common human experience. This is despite the fact that many (perhaps most) adults are, have been or will be unpartnered, that there is no guarantee of marriage for anyone, and that for some marriage is unlikely to occur.
Even if we agree with Jane Austen’s comment in Pride and Prejudice that, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife”, there are more single women in the Church than single men. Even Jesus’ teaching on marriage and divorce is followed by the reminder that not everyone will marry (Matthew 19:1-12) – some by choice, some by circumstance.
With the normalisation of (heterosexual) marriage as common human experience, we have located the meeting of common human need (for companionship, emotional intimacy, physical touch, security, identity) within the sexualised context of marriage. In adulthood, we place great emphasis on friendship within marriage, yet little on friendship in other contexts. sexuality and the body of christ As already intimated, I believe this focus on marriage and sexuality reinforces an idea that sexuality is the heart of human experience and identity, rather than emphasising and embodying our identity as “in Christ”.
At its most extreme, this could represent an idolisation of marriage and sexuality. Any time our own needs and desires are elevated above the self-sacrificial love of Christ and his claims upon us as his Body in the world, we are at risk of creating a self-centred religion, at odds with the generous and inclusive redeeming work of God. When we locate common human need within the sexualised context of marriage, those outside of heterosexual marriage are positioned not as brothers and sisters within the family, but as sexual rivals, or worse, sexual deviants.
Statistically, with one single adult for every couple, that is a lot of threat. This emphasises a sense of risk that becomes the defining feature of our narratives around sexuality. Christian morality focuses on sexual issues: pre-marital sex, gender boundaries, modesty, homosexuality, sanctity of marriage, abortion, and the like.
These examples reflect what French philosopher Michel Foucault describes in The History of Sexuality as a discourse oriented around the inevitability and uncontrollability of sexual desire. In turn, sexual morality becomes a litmus test for orthodoxy and grounds for division. If you fit within traditional views or modes of sexuality (heterosexual marriage and nuclear family), you are readily integrated within the Church. Those outside these traditional modes (including unmarried partners or those of different sexual identity or orientation) are marginalised.
Churches and denominations are splitting over the issue of same-sex marriage. If, as theologians Scot McKnight and N.T. Wright suggest, one of Paul’s primary concerns for the Church is to demonstrate unity in diversity, surely this division is of grave concern and is violating our very existence as the body of Christ.
With the focus on sexuality, other issues are sidelined. We ask if it is possible to be a “gay Christian”, but we do not ask if it possible to be a “gossiping Christian”, an “overweight Christian”, or a Christian who drives a petrol-guzzling SUV the one-kilometre trip to pick up Johnny from pre-school, despite the fact that each of these may reflect unbiblical lifestyle choices.
I believe there is a different way ...
Caroline Jewkes is the Project Manager: Education and Training Framework, for the Booth College of Mission in Hamilton, New Zealand.
She will be a presenting at the upcoming Thought Matters Conference in Melbourne, October 14-16. Click HERE for further information.
This article was first published in Thought Matters, Volume 4, Honour God with your body: A Christian view of human sexuality.
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