Burning yourself out for the gospel
Burning yourself out for the gospel
24 October 2022
Others writer Jessica Morris reflects on the line between obedience and guilt and unpacks the false belief she developed as a child that God’s work “all depends on me”.
As someone who grew up in the Salvos, my recollections often centre around different activities and camps. I remember the mustard of my SAGALA uniform, the swish of my timbrel ribbons, and that self-satisfied feeling I received whenever I earned a new Junior Soldiers award. At the time, these activities were a routine part of my life.
Now, I realise they were reiterating the truth and joy of Christ into my young heart. These activities taught me a good work ethic, discipline and, importantly, how to set a table. The Bible stories my parents taught me were driven home in Sunday school and through each Junior Soldiers class. And best of all, I learned about the inclusive, diverse church of God as I witnessed the adults around me welcome people into our corps who came from different backgrounds, parts of town, economic situations and values.
It was clear to me from a very young age that we were a church on mission, and I would do anything to play my part and reach the next goal – or earn the next badge. Whatever came first.
“So often as Christians, and dare I say as Salvationists, we tread the murky waters between obedience and guilt-ridden duty.”
Can you tell there was a slight flaw in my thinking? I was so bent on achieving for God, that I never stopped. And when I was forced to stop due to mental illness, I was anxious because I wasn’t moving. It meant that when I became a teenager, I would compulsively worry that I was never ‘enough’ for God. We don’t need to get into the theological conversation about grace here – I’m well aware we are all sinners who have fallen short of the glory of God! But even though I was living in salvation, I wasn’t accepting God’s grace. I thought everything depended on me – and the Holy Spirit, of course. But especially me. Because if I didn’t burn myself out for the gospel, the mission would remain undone and people would suffer.
So often as Christians, and dare I say as Salvationists, we tread the murky waters between obedience and guilt-ridden duty. We are so aware of the brokenness and great need in the world that stopping feels like an act of disobedience. I once remember receiving a key ring in youth group that stated, “It all depends on me.” Thankfully, my youth leader at the time was wise enough to stop and say, “Actually, it doesn’t. It depends on God.”
For much of my life, I have carried the faulty belief that it all depends on me. That the salvation of souls, repairing of broken systems, and healing of hearts is my fight alone. And, even if I can’t possibly fulfil these goals in my lifetime, it is noble to die trying. But as I have gotten to know the Holy Spirit more and done a whole lot of self-reflection, I’m starting to identify the nuance in living for Jesus.
We are called to be salt and light in the world, and this definitely means that we do uncomfortable things. We are called to advocate, fight for justice, minister and journey with people. In some cases, we have seen people suffer and die for their faith. Their obedience is astounding. So, yes, we share the truth of the gospel in word and deed. But the moment we think it all depends on us, we forget that God is bigger than our humanity.
I take comfort knowing that the God of the universe is greater than my limitations. And that means that I am able to set boundaries, to ask for help, to exercise discernment, and to rest. These are all spiritual disciplines. Because God is just as much part of the rest as he is the fight. And he will use this as a weapon in his kingdom if we are brave enough to stop and remember, “It doesn’t all depend on me.”
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